10 Questions for Our 6-Month Marriage Check-In
Here’s what the first 183 days taught us.
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Six months ago, I married my best friend.
Nick and I have been together five years (living together for four), and spent a year-and-a-half engaged before our Austin, Texas, wedding. We got married in our 30s, knew what we wanted in a partnership, and have always prided ourselves on our strong communication styles, willingness to adapt (to each other’s quirks, let’s be honest) and firm commitment to working together as a team.
Still, I think we both knew that we were entering into the * hardest * group project …ever.
We are both writers, so I thought it would be fun to do a six-month check-in quiz. With a little help from Quiz Master (aka ChatGPT), we received 10 questions.
Then, we sat down to find out how marriage is really going.
(Side note: Nick did not read any of my responses to the quiz before submitting his, and I didn’t read his answers before writing mine. He also asked me not to edit his answers, which gives me major anxiety. But I’m a respectful wife so…here we go!)
What’s been the biggest surprise about being married (that no one warned you about)?
Emma: The sense of safety and security that I immediately felt after getting married. I knew that I wanted to marry Nick but, as a child of divorce, I was letting my own insecurities and fear about commitment plague me pretty much until I walked down the aisle. But the moment our wedding was over, I was, to my own surprise, cool as a cucumber. I knew we could handle whatever life threw at us. I felt safe, secure in our relationship and completely at peace with being married. I haven’t stopped feeling that way ever since.
Nick: The way people look at me. They’ll say things like, “YOU’RE married!?” And I’ll be like, “Yeah.” And after an uncomfortable moment of silence, I’ll respond with, “Is that so crazy?” “Well, I just thought…” they fail to respond. And I’ll heroically cut them off, saving them from the embarrassment of their inaccurate and judgmental assumption… “I get it… It’s surprising.”
Respect from others is by far the biggest change. Secondly, my marriage to Emma has provided me with a level of love I’ve never felt before. Emma and I decided to get married because our relationship was so strong, so full of promise, and so perfect, that marriage was a natural next step. It wouldn’t change much – sure some tax stuff, legal things, etc, — but we had already crafted a life together that was essentially one that married people live. Happily married people, I might add.
I know Emma married me, not because of the cultural motivation shaped by centuries of societal pressure rewarding a man and woman for forming a union, but because she trusted me. She enjoyed my company. She saw a life that we were building together and felt joy in the promise of its growth.
Perhaps it’s vague, and not the concrete answer this question deserves, but the commitment she made to me on our wedding day is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. And whatever that feeling is – the wonderfully emotional, remarkably fulfilling feeling – is truly surprising.
How have your very important household duties been divided (e.g. laundry, cooking, killing spiders)?
Emma: I’m generally a very clean person, and I grew up doing chores around the house, so it’s always been part of my routine. I laugh because Nick tells me cleaning has never been his “priority” (and looking at the state of his bathroom in our old apartment, I would have to agree). But we’ve come up with a good compromise at our new house. When it comes to the (more unpleasant) cleaning tasks, Nick handles the toilets and emptying the cat’s litterboxes. I handle the kitchen, the rest of the bathroom (showers, sinks) and vacuum/dust. He is the main spider-killer (I mean spider-releaser; the kid is vegan and wouldn’t hurt a fly). We both do our own laundry, and we rotate unloading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. (Nick: If you’re reading this, it’s time to clean the toilets).
Nick: I’d love to give this a fun answer. Something like ‘Emma vacuums and I do the dishes! Or ‘Emma scrubs the counters and I take out the trash!’ Or ‘I heroically kill spiders, and sweep Emma off her feet to safety, where we kiss and laugh about how we perfectly divide the household duties!’ To be fair, there is a version of this that is true, but it’s hidden deep inside a reality where it’s not. The truth is, Emma does everything. I hope I tell her how much I appreciate that. But if not, here’s another reminder.
Emma does it all. She’ll ask me to help out, and I will… most of the time. It’s not fair to her that sometimes it requires her to ask me three times to do certain things. But it does.
I’d like to think we split household duties in a way that showcases us as a perfectly balanced team. Emma would agree that we are such a strong team in so many ways. But when it comes to household chores, I know I can step up my game. On the seesaw of household duties… Emma’s feet remain on the ground.
I will say, I take care of all bugs. And not only does Emma appreciate it… the bugs do too. Since I refuse to kill any of them.
What’s something the other person does that drives you slightly crazy—but you’ve decided to live with it anyway?
Nick: Probably a lot. But the beauty of our marriage is that there’s so much good consuming the negative, I can’t think of a single answer to this.
Perhaps I should look ahead: maybe it WILL drive me crazy that Emma will actually have an answer to this. And it’ll drive me even crazier that she’s right to.
Emma: OK, where do I begin?? Some of Nick’s habits just leave me scratching my head. One thing: He has an intricate and completely impractical laundry “system” where there are random piles of clothes strewn all across our bedroom — his “indoor clothes,” pile, his “outdoor clothes that are dirty,” his “outdoor clothes he’s worn once but will wear again” … you get the picture. It looks like a land mine went off in our room. I don’t understand this “system,” but it makes sense to him!
What’s a moment from the past 6 months that made you think, “Damn, I really married the right person”?
Emma: I literally have these moments every day, and it’s impossible to just pick one. One moment might be when Nick gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, but always kisses the top of my head when he comes back. In the morning, he’s my “gym buddy” and motivates me to stay active. All throughout the day (while we are each individually at work), he texts me “How are you doing?” “How’s work?” or “Just checking in.” When he gets home in the evening, he wraps me up in a hug and tells me he missed me. He always asks me if we can “hang out” that night (which, duh, we live together) and acts excited when I say I have no plans. He lays next to me in bed at night while I fall asleep, even if he’s not ready for bed, because he doesn’t want me to go to bed alone.
Nick: We motivated each other to attend 2 weddings in a single weekend. On opposite coasts no less. Everyone said we were crazy. And, in a way, they were right. The first one was on Saturday night in downtown LA. From there we went directly to LAX. Emma offered to drive so that, during the reception, I could slip safely and responsibly under the influence. We hopped on a red-eye to Atlanta, rented a car, and drove to the suburbs for the next one.
Neither one of us pushed the other to do it. We were on the same page and agreed, while we still have the energy for this kind of stuff, we shouldn’t waste it. And we both like to have fun. So when the opportunity to have some fell before us, we couldn’t say no. Mix in getting together with people we love and celebrating their pivotal milestones, it truly was a fantastic time.
By the end of the weekend, we were absolutely wiped. We flew back from Atlanta to LA and found ourselves in a row by ourselves. Emma took full advantage of this, and laid across the entire row, resourcefully using my lap as a pillow. I’ve always been impressed by her ability to sleep anywhere. But apparently her head was not impressed by all the leg workouts I’d been doing lately.
As I looked down at her face, and gently stroked her hair, I felt nothing but pure bliss… true love for my best friend, my partner, and the only person I could imagine attending 2 weddings on opposite sides of the country in a single weekend with.
Who is the more dramatic one during an argument, and how do you (eventually) resolve it?
Nick: I think we both are, depending on the argument. It’s not infrequent that I’m a little bitch baby, whining bitter nothings into the abyss while Emma remains grounded, focused on pulling me out of it. Usually, in moments like these, all I need is to feel loved and understood. She knows that. And she has an amazing ability to recognize when these moments occur.
But Emma is human. Despite being the sweet angel that she is, she likes to have a little fun too. Occasionally, she might take a midnight dip in the bitch-cific ocean. Swallowed by the waves of irritability.
Luckily for her, I’m a great swimmer, and when that happens, I do my best to go to her and pull her to safety. This is achieved with understanding and a good ear. I’m also working on accepting that, per request, sometimes what seems like obvious and productive solutions aren’t invited to the party. Instead, the only ones with access are silent listening and comfort.
Emma: Me (no contest). I am theeee mosttttt dramatic. I shut down, I pout, I want to leave an uncomfortable situation (I’m not proud of it). Nick is in immediate “resolution” mode, and doesn’t want to leave my side until we have talked it out. Sometimes this is super, super annoying, but it’s always for the best. In these times, Nick asks me if I want to “take a break” and come back in 10 minutes, and I’ve found that it really helps me to calm down, gather my thoughts and come back to the situation.
What’s your favorite tiny ritual or habit you've created as a married couple?
Emma: There are so many, it’s hard to pick. One thing that we’ve implemented that I absolutely love is called “TEAM.” I learned about it from a very picture-perfect Instagram influencer couple and we’ve put it into our regular practice in the evenings.
T: Touch: While you’re doing the exercise, physically touch each other. If we aren’t happy with each other in the moment, we’ll just touch the tips of our fingers, E.T. Style.
E: Educate: What’s one thing we each learned that day that we want to share with our partner?
A: Appreciate: What’s one thing the other person did that day that you appreciate?
M: Metrics: What’s one thing the other person can do that would make your life a little easier?
On a less-serious note, another Friday night ritual that I love is our “double date” with Hugo and Humphrey. (“Hugos” is a taco stand nearby, and “Humphrey” is shorthand for “Humphrey Yogarts,” an amazing frozen yogurt shop that’s located right in the middle of a grocery store. Fun fact: Meghan Markle worked there in high school, and it’s hands-down the best frozen yogurt in Los Angeles).
Nick: We do something called TEAM most nights where we share things about our day, our relationship, and goals & suggestions for how to improve it. But we stole that from the internet so I’m not sure it counts as a creation of ours.
For that, it’s our 7-way “stay in” date with Hugo, Humphrey, Edi, Pepper and Pocket. Only a select few will understand.
We also have a gym routine and motivate each other to stick to it. Never thought I’d have a gym buddy I’m in love with.
Recently, we’ve been doing something new. I found a brand-new hammock on Facebook Marketplace. The things people are willing to sell… I snatched it and set it up in our backyard. Whenever Emma and I have something we need to discuss – whether it’s a conversation about relationship goals, friendships or work stress – we hop on the hammock, shaded by of our beautifully random cluster of trees, and chat.
What do you think you bring to the relationship that makes it better (aka humble brag time)?
Emma: Ahhh this is a tough one! I would like to say that I’m ~perfect~, but even Nick, who probably likes me the most out of anyone, will tell you I’m not ;) I do think I’m a great listener and a strong support system.
Nick: I find myself wondering that every day. And whatever it is, I hope I keep bringing it. Because so far, it’s working.
It’s probably some version of emotional stability. Or chickpea, tofu tikka masala. Or filthy-ass gin martinis.
What’s something you’ve learned about yourself through being married?
Emma: This is a lesson I’m still learning (and implementing): Don’t. Sweat. The. Small. Stuff. Each person in the partnership is a unique individual. I can’t change him, and he can’t change me. But we’ll learn to grow together.
Nick: I am the luckiest guy in the world.
But I am not entitled to this luck. Remaining this lucky takes a lot of work. And I want Emma to know that she is worth the effort. Our marriage is worth it. And I will continue to prove that to her.
I’ve also learned that my marriage is now the most grounded thing I have… And it’s because I trust Emma with everything. I trust her emotionally. I trust her judgement. I trust her with my entire life.
When the pressure of external stresses starts to distract me, I know I can always turn to Emma for love, support, and safety.
If your marriage so far had a tagline or movie title, what would it be?
Emma: I think every couple has their own little “language,” and Nick and I are fluent in ours. Our tagline would be: All I Need. And he knows why.
Nick: Melty Taska or #Sternsturn or something rather stupid like that.
What’s one piece of advice you’d give a newlywed couple based on your first 6 months?
Nick:
Here’s 4:
If you take your ring off to go to the gym, you’ll often forget to put it back on.
Listen. A verbal response isn’t always requested.
Don’t sweep things under the rug — literally and figuratively.
If you do sweep, take it all the way to the trash. And use that momentum to clean the entire place. As I always say, “a surprise clean thoroughly and through, will make your partner happy and want to do you.”
Emma: Trust your gut. Getting married is scary — it’s arguably the most important decision of your life. I knew Nick was my person from our third date (smack-dab in the middle of the pandemic, over breakfast via FaceTime). After I hung up, I remember thinking to myself “That man is going to be my husband.”
Wishing you all a wonderful rest of your week,
Emma Stern
