Issue #3: The Long-Distance Friendship Handbook
Inspired by my Aunt Karen, a lesson in keeping friends close, no matter the miles between you.
This week, I attended a memorial for my paternal uncle, Herb, who passed away on January 6th after a years-long battle with Parkinson’s Disease. My memories of Herb are fond, though somewhat scattered—I lived in Illinois for most of my childhood, while he lived in San Francisco, and years often passed between our visits.
His memorial service showed just how many lives Herb touched. Despite the service being held mid-week, the room was packed. What struck me most, though, was the number of people who came to support his wife, my Aunt Karen.
Carolyn, Rosemary, and Barbara — all childhood friends from Evanston, Illinois —were there. So was Rich, a former roommate and friend from the University of Illinois, and Susan, one of Karen’s friends when she moved to San Francisco. Former coworkers and current neighbors were also present.
People had walked, driven, and flown to be there. They all showed up.
During the service, Rosemary, Karen’s friend from middle school, stepped up to the microphone. “I look around,” she began, “and I see a room full of people who loved Herb. It’s clear that Herb and Karen were good at both making friends…and keeping them.”
It was true. The faces in the room represented every chapter of my Aunt Karen’s life. It also made me reflect on my own longtime friendships.
What does it truly mean to be a good friend? I’m far from perfect, but I’ve always prided myself on being one—an empathetic listener, a cheerleader, and someone who shows up when it matters (and even when it doesn’t).
Similar to my Aunt Karen, many of my closest friends live in different cities. Maintaining those relationships — the ones that require more than the occasional Instagram “like” — can be challenging. Actually, scratch that: It is challenging. Friendships drift. You “orbit” around each other, catching glimpses of familiar faces scrolling through life on a screen, getting updates through mutual friends (“How’s Jane doing? I heard Allison got married! Did Jess have a baby?”). It’s even harder when long-distance friends are in vastly different life stages.
It’s easy to let friendships fade with time and distance — it’s the path of least resistance.
It’s easy to make excuses: “She’s probably busy … I don’t want to bother him … it’s been too long.”
It’s easy to be the one who lets it fade: “I’ll respond later.” “I’ll call back sometime.” “I forgot her birthday…maybe next year.”
It’s easy to hold a grudge: “She wasn’t there for me. She must not care.”
Friendships require time (and, in the case of long-distance friendships, often financial investment) to thrive. But if I’d taken the easy route and let my friendships fade, I would have missed out on so much.
Take some of my best girlfriends, Maggie, Michaela, Katie. They’ve lived over 2,000 miles away for 14 and 10 years, respectively. They’re part of a small group of friends who remain actively in my life through rich, carefully nurtured long-distance connections.
This group, as Michaela calls them, are my “soul sisters.” They’re the “chosen family” Taylor Swift sings about—the ones who know you completely, allow you to be your authentic self, and love you unconditionally. (Maggie hates Taylor Swift. Michaela tolerated her, then let me make her a playlist. Now, she somewhat begrudgingly admits to being a converted “Swiftie.” Katie pretends to like her because she knows I connect with her music. How do I know they’re my best friends? They planned a Taylor Swift-themed bachelorette party for me.)
This month, Michaela landed a job at a highly respected tech company. After years navigating the Seattle and Chicago dating scenes, she met someone who gives her butterflies. I’ve spent countless FaceTime sessions with her over the past few weeks, offering girlfriend motivation, prepping her for interviews, and then, in the same conversation, dissecting every detail of her latest date, text thread, or phone call with said boy.
This month, Katie settled into a new life in Chicago, where she moved after living across the country with her husband and her cat. She moved in two blocks away from Michaela. They’ve FaceTimed me on mall trips and at-home dinner parties.
This month, Maggie gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Cleo. I texted her daily as her January 28th due date approached (“Is she here yet?”). Spoiler: She’s here, and she’s perfect.
I’m not switching jobs, I’m not dating, I haven’t moved to another state and I’m not a new mother. (Wait, lol - what’s going on in my life?) But because I’ve made the effort to show genuine interest in these women’s lives, I feel closer to them than ever.
Here are my 10 tips for maintaining long-distance friendships
(Note: These work for me; find what works for you):
Always have the next in-person visit planned. Coincidentally, Michaela is in LA right now for our annual February “Get Michaela out of Chicago and into Sunny Los Angeles Visit,” and she’s sitting next to me as I finish this newsletter. Aim for yearly visits, alternating who hosts. When she lived in Seattle, we alternated visits a couple of times a year and split the cost of flights.
Send little things to show you’re thinking of them. My love language is gift-giving. I love finding something that reminds me of a friend. Sometimes it’s a care package from Etsy, sometimes it’s sending ice cream via Postmates after a breakup. (Note: It doesn’t have to be expensive. Adult diapers sent via Amazon Prime to Maggie as her due date approached? Check.)
“Co-Work” or “Co-Watch.” Find time to “hang out” virtually. Michaela, Katie and I “co-work” regularly. We set up FaceTime and work remotely, occasionally pausing for a quick “conference” check-in. Or, on a Sunday afternoon, we might sync Netflix accounts and “co-watch” movies, pausing to recap a scene or comment on a particularly handsome actor.
Celebrate their achievements. A handwritten card goes a long way. Write it, stamp it, mail it. You’ll never regret it.
Check in. A simple “Just thinking of you!” or “Missing you, let’s catch up soon” can make a difference.
Acknowledge your differences, but don’t let them divide you. I love how my friends challenge me, tease me, and push me to see things differently. I embrace our differences (cue, Taylor Swift).
Ask and listen. Good friendships are a two-way street. Don’t forget to ask, “And what about you?” And then, listen.
Make time, even when it’s inconvenient. Some of my best memories are from times I’ve unexpectedly shown up for friends, or vice versa. Like taking a red-eye to Chicago for Michaela’s 30th and flying back the next day. Or Maggie surprising me in LA to ask me to be her maid of honor. To all the friends who’ve visited, met me halfway, and supported me during milestones (my shower, bachelorette, and wedding), thank you.
Embrace change. Friendships evolve. You might not be as close to someone as you once were, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be again.
Know when to let go. Not every friendship lasts forever. Some are seasonal. If stress outweighs joy, reassess how authentically you’re both showing up. It might be time to press “pause.”
Onward, friends. I encourage you to reach out to a long-distance friend, even if it’s been a while. Need a conversation starter? Share this newsletter.
Wishing you a restful week.
Emma Stern
Great perspective!!
Love this so much! And yes, there are some really great models of friend-keeping and nurturing in this family. I’m always learning from my family and friends how to be a friend.